“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Always do whatever’s next.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

Mediocrity will never do. You are capable of something better.

The average Hollywood film star’s ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.

Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

Meditation is not a way of making your mind quiet. It is a way of entering into the quiet that is already there – buried under the 50,000 thoughts the average person thinks every day.

You have to do stuff that average people don’t understand because those are the only good things.

Trying to get everyone to like you is a sign of mediocrity.

You don’t have to have perfect wisdom to get very rich – just a bit better than average over a long period of time.

Discipline helps you finish a job, and finishing is what separates excellent work from average work.