One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLINThe IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
More George Carlin Quotes
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People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure.
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Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
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Meow means woof in cat.
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There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
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The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
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A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
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Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
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How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.
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Always do whatever’s next.
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
GEORGE CARLIN