“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.

I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren’t funny.

I was in a movie for five minutes where I play tennis and I was given five tennis lessons for free. I never had a tennis lesson. I was like, that’s awesome! When else would I have taken up tennis?

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”

Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it’s got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can’t just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that – it’s got to be funny.

This is going to sound really funny. I have a poster of Zac Efron on my wall! I think every girl has a poster of him in their room so, why not join the club!