There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER