My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER






