Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARXIf you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
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I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
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Whatever it is, I’m against it.
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats.
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
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Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX