At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD