My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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