I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD