If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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