self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER