Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER