Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER