Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER






