Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER