I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER