You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER