This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER