There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






