Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER