A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER






