My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER