I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER