Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER