A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER