The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER