It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER