I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARXI find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX -
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX -
Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
GROUCHO MARX -
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
GROUCHO MARX -
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.
GROUCHO MARX -
Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
GROUCHO MARX -
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
GROUCHO MARX -
The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX -
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
GROUCHO MARX -
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX -
Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
GROUCHO MARX -
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX -
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX -
I only write first editions.
GROUCHO MARX






