Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARXOnce I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
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Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
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I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
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Time wounds all heels.
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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX






