I must admit, I was born at an early age.
GROUCHO MARXAnyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
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A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
GROUCHO MARX