No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARXIn studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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I love to read. My education is self-inflicted.
GROUCHO MARX -
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
GROUCHO MARX -
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
GROUCHO MARX -
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX -
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
GROUCHO MARX -
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX -
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX -
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX -
Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
GROUCHO MARX -
Whatever it is, I’m against it.
GROUCHO MARX -
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX -
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
GROUCHO MARX -
If I hold you any closer I’ll be in back of you!
GROUCHO MARX