Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLINReligion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLINRegarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLINThe IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
GEORGE CARLINHow can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.
GEORGE CARLINThe main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
GEORGE CARLINIf we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
GEORGE CARLINOne good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
GEORGE CARLINI’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
GEORGE CARLINDon’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLINHonesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
GEORGE CARLINIf you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLINOne tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLINThere’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLINThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLINLife is tough, then you die.
GEORGE CARLINIf you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
GEORGE CARLIN