What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
GEORGE CARLINThere’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
More George Carlin Quotes
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
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I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
GEORGE CARLIN