Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
GEORGE CARLINRegarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
More George Carlin Quotes
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People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Everyone smiles in the same language.
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN -
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
GEORGE CARLIN -
Religion is just mind control.
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If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.
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If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
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If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
GEORGE CARLIN







