I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLINDon’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
More George Carlin Quotes
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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
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I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
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I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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How can he be perfect? Everything he ever makes, dies.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
GEORGE CARLIN