“Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.”

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

At my age flowers scare me.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

All I know is, if you listen to society, you’ll never get anywhere!

I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.

If you start from nothing, it is very difficult to get anywhere.

For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.

You will not find poetry anywhere unless you bring some of it with you.

My dad is the best and funniest newspaper columnist. There is nobody anywhere near as good.

That’s an exciting thing. In a class of fifteen there are usually two very good writers, equal to good student writers anywhere in the country. Those two make the class wonderful.

My parents were so poor when I was a kid, I never went anywhere.