“Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.”

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.

I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

At my age flowers scare me.

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I liked different etymologies, different slang that came out in different eras. Different languages. Different dialects.

Women always left me because I wouldn’t commit, but then nothing changes a relationship like commitment. If you move in with someone, you lose all respect for them.

When I didn’t collect, the balance came out of my profit. My average income was six dollars a week.

I came to Paris with four écus in my pocket, and I’d have fought with anybody who told me I was in no condition to buy the Louvre.

I came in here and a fella asked me to have a drink. I said I don’t drink. Then another fella said hear you and Joe DiMaggio aren’t speaking and I said I’ll take that drink.

The poor folk gladly came to me, for I did them no unkindness, but helped them as much as I could.

I came to China to follow my star and to steep myself in the raw regions of the universe.

Now there is one outstandingly important fact regarding Spaceship Earth, and that is that no instruction book came with it.