Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
BOB HOPEIf my golf game was a prize fight, they’d stop it.
More Bob Hope Quotes
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When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in.
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Everybody is afraid they won’t have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
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Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life.
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I don’t know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He’s done nothing.
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I led such a sheltered life I didn’t go out with girls until I was almost four.
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Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells ‘Fore!’ the guy he’s hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
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Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.
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A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.
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Don’t tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
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You know you’ve reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
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Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don’t worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it.
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Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I’ve never heard of a clean one.
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Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing!
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If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
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The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I’ve been doing that all my life.
BOB HOPE