President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes.
BOB HOPEI see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight – and that was just their hair.
More Bob Hope Quotes
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Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
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Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.
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I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
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You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor’s age by the rings on her fingers.
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I don’t do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.
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The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.
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A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.
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To give you an idea of how fast we travelled – we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two.
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I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.
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Everybody knows what California smog is – that’s fog with the vitamins removed.
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For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green
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I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
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US President Gerald Ford’s golf was so bad we thought he was a ‘Hitman for the PGA!
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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
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Everybody is afraid they won’t have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
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When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
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The high point of the act is when he (Uri Durov) puts his head inside the bear’s huge jaws. I wouldn’t even try that with my agent.
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We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It’s in the lease.
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The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn’t got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.
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Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.
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The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.
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At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.
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The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
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Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.
BOB HOPE