April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
AMBROSE BIERCEPhilosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
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You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
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Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
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Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
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REFLECTION,n: An Action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.
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Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
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Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
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Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
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Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
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Scriptures – The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
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The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
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Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
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Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.
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Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
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MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
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Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
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