Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
AMBROSE BIERCESweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
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Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
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You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
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The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
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Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.
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Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
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Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
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Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else
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MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
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Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
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Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
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PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
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REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
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Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.
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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
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