“Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.

The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.

Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.

Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Life – a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.