History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
AMBROSE BIERCEMIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
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The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
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REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.
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Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
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What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
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Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
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War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
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Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
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Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.
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Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
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RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
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IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.
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Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.
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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
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Forgetfulness – a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
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Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
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Wine, madam, is God’s next best gift to man.
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