There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don’t know.
AMBROSE BIERCELottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
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Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
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Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else
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Scriptures – The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
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RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
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Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
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Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
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LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
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PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
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They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
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War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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