“Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.”

Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.

Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

It is my belief no man ever understands quite his own artful dodges to escape from the grim shadow of self knowledge.

Where there is no belief, there is no blasphemy.

Few men realize that their life, the very essence of their character, their capabilities and their audacities, are only the expression of their belief in the safety of their surroundings.

Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me-and continues to teach me-strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death. Nothing disappears without a trace.

There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance.

So the universe is not quite as you thought it was. You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then. Because you certainly can’t rearrange the universe.

I always knew I would be successful. So there was no element of surprise.

And above all things, never think that you’re not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. My belief is that in life people will take you at your own reckoning.