Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
AMBROSE BIERCEDistance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
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The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.
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RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.
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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
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Life – a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
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Optimism – the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
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Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
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Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
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Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
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Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
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MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
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Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
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Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
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