“Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.”

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.

The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.

Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.