Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
AMBROSE BIERCESelfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
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Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
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War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
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MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
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ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
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Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
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LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
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Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don’t know.
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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