“Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.”

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.

REFLECTION,n: An Action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.

You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.

There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.

Whatever a person may be like, we must still love them because we love God.

People made fun of my skinny legs.

I really like brunettes.

I came to the realization a couple months ago that I am fat. If you get tired from walking – and that’s all that golf is – then you are officially fat.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I’ve always been really tall and lanky.

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.