Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.
AMBROSE BIERCEScriptures – The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
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Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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An election is nothing more than the advanced auction of stolen goods.
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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
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Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
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The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
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The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
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RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
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Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
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A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
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Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Optimism – the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
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What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
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The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.
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Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
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