I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
ALAN KINGOne thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
More Alan King Quotes
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
ALAN KING