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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

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Choose Happiness Misery Money

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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.
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We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
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A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
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