“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.

She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.

All geniuses die young.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.

I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.

It is not in the shallow physical imitation of men that women will assert first their equality and later their superiority, but in the awakening of the intellect of women.

There is nothing that can equal the treasure of so many shared memories.

Order without liberty and liberty without order are equally destructive.

And I will show of male and female that either is but the equal of the other.

Of all the forms of inequality, injustice in health care is the most shocking and inhumane.

In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans.

No-one is equal to anything. Even the same man is not equal to himself on different days.

The equal rights of man, and the happiness of every individual, are now acknowledged to be the only legitimate objects of government.