“I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Do you mind if I don’t smoke?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I only write first editions.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I smoke a cigar or two a day. I did have a brownie once. It made me sleepy.

Late hours, nocturnal cigars, and midnight drinkings, pleasurable though they may be, consume too quickly the free-flowing lamps of youth, and are fatal at once to the husbanded candle-ends of age.

I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I’ve got a great cigar collection – it’s actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn’t going to smoke every last one of ’em.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That’s just like heaven to me. I’m a simple man.

I love going to the factories of La Plata, or Little Havana and seeing them roll cigars. I get excited.

I always smoked cigars. I’ve smoked cigars with everybody in show business.