“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.”

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

If you’re feeling a little low, put on a pair of high heels and stand a little taller! Always works for me!

You’re italic, I’m in bold.

Your attitude towards problems, difficulties, and adversities is the most important factor in overcoming them.

She could beat me, but she could not beat my outfit.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future.

I believe in the brotherhood of man, all men, but I don’t believe in brotherhood with anybody who doesn’t want brotherhood with me.

Make a difference about something other than yourselves.