“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”

The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.

People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Always do whatever’s next.

Something was badly amiss with the spiritual life of the planet, Too many demons inside people claiming to believe in God.

Men are always ready to die for us, but not to make our lives worth having. Cheap sentiment and bad logic.

Writing stopped being fun when I discovered the difference between good writing and bad and, even more terrifying, the difference between it and true art. And after that, the whip came down.

Give me unexpected whether it is good or bad, I learn from it all. As you build or break me in the end, I will stand tall.

For liberty hath a sharp and double edge, fit only to be handled by just and virtuous men; to bad and dissolute, it becomes a mischief unwieldy in their own hands.

Better to make a good future than predict a bad one.

I am very bad at expressing tender sentiments. The very word ‘love’ frightens me.

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.