When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
GROUCHO MARXNext time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
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Whatever it is, I’m against it.
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Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
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You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
GROUCHO MARX -
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
GROUCHO MARX -
She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX -
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
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Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
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I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX