“There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.”

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

You know you’ve reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I’m breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That’s what gives me the strength to break the club.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America’s biggest export is now the Oscar.

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts… Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they’re for.

It’s weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I’m expected to be humorous on talk shows.

I like the word “indolence.” It makes my laziness seem classy.

Young singers ask me, “Do I have to live in New York?” I say, “You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York.”

I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.