“You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!”

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.

My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Between friends there is no bribery. The relationship of friends is intrinsically fair and equal. Neither feels stronger or more clever or more beautiful than the other.

They fought their way to control by rebate and drawback, bribe and blackmail, espionage and price cutting, by ruthless efficiency of organization.

I could be a lot happier. I could be the senator from Aerospace taking bribes, and be quite happy.

Dealing with the government does not mean you have to give a bribe.

To bribe a farmer not to plant 38 acres with corn … seven weeks of salary for a Customs man assigned to save us from the terror of high-quality, low priced foreign TV sets, or the subsidy on 6,000 bushels of wheat to prop up the Soviet regime.

[I]n communism, you’d threaten a dog into compliance, while in capitalism, obedience is obtained through bribes.

By reason of gifts and bribes the offices be given to rich men, which should rather have been executed by wise men.

In my opinion it is less shameful for a king to be overcome by force of arms than by bribery.