When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER