I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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self-pity is better than none.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER