Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER