The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER






