I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER