I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD