If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD