I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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