I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
GROUCHO MARXOne morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX -
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX -
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX -
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
GROUCHO MARX -
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX -
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
GROUCHO MARX -
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX -
Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX -
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
GROUCHO MARX -
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX -
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
GROUCHO MARX -
Who says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
GROUCHO MARX -
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX -
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
GROUCHO MARX -
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
GROUCHO MARX -
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX -
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
GROUCHO MARX -
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
GROUCHO MARX -
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX -
All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX -
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX -
In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
GROUCHO MARX