Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
GEORGE CARLINOne tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
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There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.
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If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
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Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN