“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.”

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.