I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
SPIKE MILLIGANContraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
More Spike Milligan Quotes
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I told you I was sick.
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If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.
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If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.
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There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
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And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
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Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
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Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.
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Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
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Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
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Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.
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Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.
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Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
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Its all in the mind, you know.
SPIKE MILLIGAN






