My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD