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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Around Came Carry Father Picture Wallet

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Frink Last Much Olive Sample Time Too
Life is just a bowl of pits.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Ask Birth Boy Control One Poster Year
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Each Other Every Goe never Night Nothing Psychiatrist Right Seen Sex Wife
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Ask How Big People Pet Store Work
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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All Life Pick Pocket Sex
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Country Dog Every Leave Pyramid Room Some
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Brown Sie Told Uncle Wear Wish Yellow
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Breast Fed Friend Like Me Mover never Only She Told
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Another Came Cement Felt Hand Neighborhood Real Some Tough
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Back Car Drive Want Wife
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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Another Come Day Girl Home Nobody Over Phone
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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