The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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