I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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