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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield

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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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