My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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