My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWe sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD