I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWe sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD