My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWe sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD