If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER