I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER






