Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER






