Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER