I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER






