I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER