Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER