The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER