I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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