My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER