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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

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Do Life Practice Work Yourself

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Admit Away Boyfriend Drive Forty Live Mile Sex Tremendous
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Chocolate Dirt Like Serve Show
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Also Career Felt Husband Marriage Mix Work
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Best Contraceptive Nudity People
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bedroom Dead Nickname Nothing Happen Sea Waterbed
… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Children Dust Furniture Love Name Write Yera
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Blouse Once Peekaboo People Peek Too Wore
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Ask Country Football Good Hairdresser Helmet Look People Person Say
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Aligator Barefoot Compliment Know Shoe Someone
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Accidental Day Enjoy Ever Gin Iron Only Steam Time
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Appendix Back Divorce Husband Like Put Remarry
Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Cook Food Lose May never Serve Taste
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beautiful Bribe Comedy Everything Goes Got Realize Somebody Step Train
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bottle Kiss Play Quater Spin Want
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Aim Fool High Off Shoot

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