I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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self-pity is better than none.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER