You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER