I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER