Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER







