There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER