Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER